love
love so pure
love so perverse
love so selfless
love so selfish
love so loyal
love so fickle
love so truthful
love so deceitful
love so true
love so pretencious
love so beautiful
love so revolting
love so welcomed
love so shunned
love so promising
love so foreboding
love so emcompassing
love so empty
love so intertwined
love so disperate
love so close
love so distant
love so caring
love so hurtful
love so eternal
love so transient
love; the beginning
love; the ending
love; everlasting
love; it's over
love; me myself i
love; all about you
i; (love)
you; (forever)
******
and his head spun; everything was a whirligig of thoughts and emotions. the night had been wonderful, dinner was posh, and the ride back home. he opened the door for her.
with one hand she held his, and flowers he had given her when he picked her up in the other. her heart now throbbing wildly. would this be the moment?
he led her to the park bench, and they sat gazing at the starlit sky. the constellation - something so beautiful only God could have created.
she sat. her hand now trembling - in fear and in anticipation. up above, angels watched as their wings sparkled and lit the sky. love - something so beautiful that only God could have created.
he was at a loss for words, everything was a blur. this was the moment. don't lose it. seize it. grab it. now or never. don't lose it.
"i..."
was he going to? right here? right now? could this be? what would she say? how would she respond? her head and heart ceased to listen to reason.
he parted his lips slightly. he looked into her eyes; he was lost, transfixed.
his gaze captured her's. she took his hand.
"i..."
now or never.
"i love you."
"i love you."
the sound resonated deep into the night as their lips met.
(see why i'm not cut for romance? haha. i will never write romance stories, so don't sue me.)
8:03 PM
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paris
nothing in this world can stop us tonight
i can do what she can do so much better
with a title like that you must question whether it's rlly isaac blogging. haha. it's the hols alr. [: but no one wants to go out with me cos everyone has o's. bronson claims dec is spend time with the bestie month, but there's camp and all. doubt the parents will let me go overseas twice. rahhh. my parents are going for camp. sigh. where's the independence?! granted they're going to help out, but still, i'd rather be left alone and not have my movements tracked. it's not that i have stuff to hide, might i add. and people look at you differently (be it good or bad) cos your parents are around. it is just ever so annoying.
i'm bored. and in case no one noticed, the "i'm bored" in the prev post is hyperlinked to a quiz site. go do it. haha. [:
love in 10 (not restrictive, duh):
1) lit anthologies.
2) appearing offline to make it seem as if you've gone off to sleep.
3) i bet you're sleeping.
4) shark's fin.
5) biophy > biochem
6) red and white.
7) promise me it won't turn into nothingness.
8) 89/119 and 37/46
9) eighty one twenty three sixty seven five and i forgot the other one.
10) cos i say so. [:
haha. <3
yet i dare not say those three words. why? i don't know. sis says if i end up with anyone else she'll kill me. i think i'll kill myself first. but still... doubt lingers.
i feel poetic.
7:49 PM
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Thursday, October 26, 2006
quizzes
i'm bored.
6:13 PM
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Wednesday, October 25, 2006
i feel loved
isaac went into a state of hysteria for 5 minutes last night. the reason, though seemingly apparent to some, cannot be disclosed.
hmmm. should i be safe and fill in my subject combination form? i wasn't even paying attention at the talks and all. if i don't it means if my application to ac fails (which it should not!!!!) i am screwed. hmmm. but i don't even know what to take next year. annoyance. tj is just screwed. what kinda subject is china studies?! and why can't you take it with history? makes no sense. and it's taught by my retard of an ss teacher who salivates as much dog on a hot day. disgusting ppl in tjc. he cannot give decent and reliable grades rlly. i failed ss in term 2 for not participating in an unknown online forum. crazy idiot.
supposed to go shopping on fri with a bunch of mg girls. how did i get dragged into it? hmmm. i only know the candy cow and jeann. eeps. oh well. what am i going to do while girls shop?! gee. i know. i'll get jess lim and walk around lingerie shops. -.- (inside joke anw)
rahhh. vic's wedding over the weekend. sis insists i cried. i refuse to comment. but weddings are just wonderful. i use to hate weddings cos i doubted how two ppl could actually live together for that long a time. but i guess i've changed. love does wonders. haha. i wonder who i want to spend my life with... hmmm...
brian says he wasn't drunk JASMINE green tea today. insane. deprived person.
life is good. [:
10:55 AM
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Monday, October 23, 2006
kevin is a wuss
i am peeved and amused. i refuse to be fully pissed at such an idiot. i will give a sermon on why kevin sucks. please read and pray and meditate on it. you know it is true.
1) he can't play dota. let's see. he uses my build to play vengeful and he claims he is good. i say the BUILD is good. he'd be pumping the useless skill called howl if i didn't tell him not to. and he thinks he's good.
2) i have friends in high places. "come la! i get bro aloy!" "bro aloy is pro!" "bro aloy owns mark yong!" yes, who is that again? ALOYSIUS? is your name aloysius?! hahaha. your name is wuss. get it right dear boy. if you take aloysius against me, i'll just take wesley. we'll see who wins. your adult leader, or my WCG friend. idiot. you wanna play 5v5? sure. i'll take wes, clem, mark, and ben. you can take your charles and whoever else. get owned wuss. really.
3) dota is a team game. therefore kevin refuses to fight isaac 1v1. to that, i say bull. really. if you wanna play a TEAM GAME. refer to point two. [:
4) "i'm so pissed with you i'll play on the opposite team!" sure. you did that for two times before that game. and i remind you, you got thrashed bad by me? your anti-mage and sven got owned by my queen of pain and morphling. you little wuss. you make no sense whatsoever. haha. i am amused.
5) i have no response to your genius so i leave msn and the game. yupp. enough said yes? bye wuss!! [:
12:38 AM
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Friday, October 20, 2006
intentions
sometimes i don't say what i feel mean because i don't like being open and frank about things. i'm a person who you have to read into and catch what i actually mean because i never say things openly, unless i know i can.
when you're frank and direct, ppl often criticise you for being too harsh and to the point. and they say you don't take other ppl's feelings into consideration.
when you're not, ppl often misconstrue what you say and it never gets across right.
i'm getting incessantly peeved at a certain someone across the last few weeks. alot has to do with miscommunication. but still... i honestly expect the person to know me more than that. and if that is not reality, then i think it's the end of the road from here. i'm tired. i don't wish to continue this really. let's just move on peacefully and just pretend we never knew each other. every benefit has a price. yeah, you may be someone close to me that i can trust easily. but at the same time, alot of the things you say hurt. and somehow alot of what you talk about is just on the surface of things. i guess what i really want in friendships is to be understood and to understand ppl. yeah trust is impt, but you can only trust someone you understand and all. you don't trust someone whose motives you don't comprehend or agree with.
i guess i'm just hurt and tired. really. i'm not going to be emo and make a big fuss out of it. i'm just going to back off. sooner or later, it'll cool down, and we'll start off - but on our separate ways.
i just don't want to talk about it right now. i'm putting it out of my head and moving on. have a good life ahead of you.
3:16 PM
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006
ahhh
it's someone's birthday party on sat.
why do i resolve not to go clubbing?
why do i resolve not to drink?
it's once again a question of what i believe in...
3:22 PM
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animal noises
moo. says:
MY EYES ARE BIGGER THAN YOURS
cows are great creatures. says:
nonsense.
cows are great creatures. says:
[:
moo. says:
ROAR
cows are great creatures. says:
moo, you can't roar.
3:08 PM
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eoys screwed
the teachers suck. really. in order to prepare us for jc life, they start giving out shit results in the eoys. really. chem paper mean was 36?! and i don't take chem. but still...
they claim that in jc, you'll do really badly. and i've seen the year 1s die badly. highest for gp and econs in mid year was like, B? so yeah. over thirty people got below 45 for math and have to go back in the hols for remedial. i got 45, so i don't. God is just amazing. i should have taken paper 2!! all my pet topics! p&c, probability, matrices, integration, differentiation, problem solving. only thing i'm not good at is vectors. and kien wei scored full for that paper. rahhh. if i had taken i bet my average score would be like, above 60. and the mean is 55. though it's screwed cos the people at the top are just super zai. prcs and all. rahhh. nonsense la.
i think my eoys are screwed really. they're gonna pull my overall results down by alot. 58 for lang arts?! and i'm top 10% alr. my essay was screwed, so was compre. and i never had that ominous feeling like sth would go wrong for me. sighh. maybe i'm losing my touch.
i'm contemplating giving up on scoring well and just focus on doing what i want - learning. i never really believed in exams, or believed that grades are the definitive factor of who you are. many ppl just don't get it. when you die at the end of the day (figuratively speaking), ppl don't remember you for your psle score, l1r5, 4As, diplomas, masters, etc... they remember you for who you were as a person. whether you were a good friend, whether you had integrity, whether you dared to pursue your own dreams and be different, whether you were scheming and backstabbing ppl, and all that you did.
i wanna wake up where you are
i won't say anything at all
so why don't you slide ;
i won't say anything at all
so why don't you slide ;
2:44 PM
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Tuesday, October 17, 2006
uni
i need to go to uni soon man. i think i'm screwing my results up. i dno what's happening la. i somehow failed bio, and i barely passedg geog. it's just scary. and it's not like i didn't work hard for those papers... i have an exact 50% pass for chinese, but the mcq is just stupid. 16/50 marks. who gives 3 marks per mcq for cloze?! my li jie wen da was not bad, but i failed p1 and got the same score for p2 for compo. so it's 90/180. bull man. really bull.
i really can't figure out what's not right. bio i had to get a marker that is positively pms and is not loved by anyone. who penalises you for drawing a genetic diagram in pencil (and everything else is fine) and for not defining an allele according to the question. it's not english vocab where you explain the bolded/highlighted word?! you must state that the allele is found on the mussel and dno what crap la. rahhh. super pissed. i think this is going to affect my entry into ac.
i'm getting paranoid. the lady from ac called and said i have to take a chinese placement test along with eng and math cos i'm failing chinese. well, i'm not bad at chinese. i just don't hand up my weekly bao zhangs and alot of other homework. but i score okay, unless it's mcqs which are stupidly weighted. seriously.
geog was just bad. going through other papers tmr. sighh. i don't wanna think abt how i did. really. when i do badly, and i know it, yeah, it's a bad sign. but when i don't think i'm gna do badly and i do, sth's really wrong. i got the feeling i did well for bio and geog, and this is how it turns out. maybe i felt bad after math, and i scored 95! i wish.
lang arts paper tmr. i cannot get lower than 75 or i will scream. my language proficiency is out the drain man. sighh. mr tan gave this emo speech in class today, which kind of reflected my views. the stunned look on my peers' faces tell me they obviously have not. competitive idiots who only care about grades. and you feedback that there's not enough bonding. how to bond when all you want to do is stab ppl in the back? sighh. education system is too demanding and unforgiving. there's no second chance when you fail. rlly.
jo's having exams this week. i hope she does better than i do. so much for studying. i think i cannot do exams. mr tan agrees as well. not that i suck, but more like i would do well if left alone to learn and all. i mean, my bio paper, i know all the answers, well most at least. it's just a matter of "correct phrasing" and a stupid marker. it's not that i don't get what's being taught. i just lack the ability to translate it into what the exam demands? like the post says, when i get to uni, i know i will thrive. independent study and research. that's my cue and time to shine.
5:54 PM
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Sunday, October 15, 2006
i will hear and obey
haha. that's what too much dota does to your head man! i'm serious! late night dota-ing with timo, clem, lix, kev, ben, mal, marcus, and others.
woke up at 7.30am to go down to play soccer with tim, clem, ben, jam, marcus, nic, khing, wesley and mal. the stupid field at acsi is made of fake grass! and it has stupid black stuff which enters your shoes and all. just gross. went to play dota at bukit timah plaza after that. i think the vengeful and veno combi works better with clem tha with mark. eeps. weirdness.
church yday was good. i still haven't talked to jeann properly yet. stupid interruptions. kids went jamming. wet back to serene after dota with mark, chest, gab, darryl, abel and keith. met sarah and lydia there. i need to catch up with sis soon. yeah. hmmm. did math with the twins...
yeah. quite a boring weekend. o's please be over soon!
8:34 PM
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Wednesday, October 11, 2006
end of exams
it's the end of exams! well, it was for me two days ago. skipped math paper 2 and history on the mc.
no marking days! i mean, how can you not give marking days?! we're supposed to go back to sch to sit down until dno what time, then leave. like who on earth wants to do that? i'd rather sleep, than play dota on my tablet. rlly.
9:21 PM
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Monday, October 09, 2006
puking spree
sigh. it's been a bad weekend. been puking alot. ever since sat.
can't study. i'm hungryyy. how to study??? i'm going to take mc for the next two days. hopefully they'll count math paper 1 x2, then i'll be fine. and hist ca mark is like, A? lol. good reasons to pon exams...
but that's not who i am. i'm going to sleep at 12, and pray that everything goes well tmr...
11:10 PM
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hyde
i'm really sick of not being able to focus because i'm too distracted by other things. but you cannot just remove certain things from your head.
i need to focus. but all the doubts just keep coming back. all the questions of "is it worth it?" are just constantly flooding my head.
i think my greatest challenge in this period, is not the exam papers, it's myself. i feel so jekyll and hyde at times. i feel the constant need to suppress my hyde and pretend that i am that respectable figure when i'm not. since i promised i'd leave my philosophical nonsense out of this blog, i will not go on about the duality of man and whatnot.
focus isaac focus. you're only on page 21 of differentiation. you still have vectors, matrices, integration, p&c, and probability to go. the last two are my lifelines in the math exam. but i seemed to have forgotten everything alr. i'm such a genius. i shall finish studying math by dinner.
i feel like going for a run soon. but no one runs with me, cos everyone else... just doesn't?
what if i wanted to give up now? after the wait, is it worth it? it's just rlly tiring and draining. and it's just hurting so much. and i don't know how on earth i managed to hold on this long. yes, ppl'll say that since you've come this far, why give up now? but it's the opportunity cost. i'm tired of being noble. i'm tired of trying to create that land of far far away in your fairytale. i'm tired of always trying to be there when you need me, even at 4am which i would never in my life dream i would do for anyone else. i'm tired of how you only talk to me if you have the time.
maybe i feel it's unjustified, and i'm giving too much. but this doesn't change the fact that i love you. (and if you idiots are going ooh and ahh, please stop thinking stupid) i do the things i do because i love and care abt you. rlly. but sometimes it's just so hard to hold on. i rlly don't know how i survived thus far.
i don't know. God, what do you want? was this what you meant be letting go? i wanna talk abt it, yet i don't. i don't care. after the exams i resolve to lead a carefree life without any distractions...
but till then, math and history stand in my way.
1:42 PM
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Sunday, October 08, 2006
dreams
hahaha. dang. it was just a dream.
i had a nice dream last night. it was...weird though. i was supposedly attached to someone else, but it was quite weird really. (holding hands never felt so wrong) what nonsense. rahh. so much for dreams being the manifestations of our subsconscious desires... i absolutely beg to differ. i do not spend my time thinking about possible people to pair myself up with. much less when i have 2 more papers.
no fuel yday. so i hung out with the kids. was quite a bad day really. ate duck noodles, drank green tea and ran over to sbc immediately to play soccer. rahh. in a shirt and jeans. felt like puking after that. went to macs after that. hung out with chet and eugene. mo disappeared to dno where, supposedly with gracie. dylan and someone were looking everywhere for him, even the toilets. haha. hilarious. and they both appeared back together. hmmm... i think i need to go to lower sec fuel and give a talk on scandals. rahhh. [:
had supper with chet, chester, eugene, dylan, kevin, and dylan's friend (gabriel i think). the oyster omelette at toh yi's like... oyster + omelette?! and it's 5bucks. rahh. waste my money.
played dota with kevin until 2am. games were bad. really laggy.
history and math paper 2 left. no school tmr cos i don't take chem. [:
4:28 PM
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Thursday, October 05, 2006
hahahaha
okay. i shall continue posting the stupid convo here. it's insanity.
someone: squarer than square.
me: rahh. whatever ______!
me: hmph.
someone: wow. you know my name!
someone: excellent that you managed to grasp that concept.
me: i shall leave you alone. and go to bed. and you'll miss my company. hahahahaha. [:
someone: yeah right.
someone: you wish.
me: (this sounds familiar...)
someone: i'll throw a party
someone: yes it does
me: HEYYY.
me: mean pok.
me: hmphhh.
someone: oh i care what you think...
someone: and i think median sounds nicer than mean
someone: mean is so average
someone: median has a ring to it
me: you modal person
someone: model.
someone: yes
someone: i know
someone: i'm terribly model-ly i'm afraid
someone: everything i do is model
12:27 AM
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exams
chinese tmr. rahhh.
i'm smiling insanely now. don't ask why. haha. _____ so cute! _____ thinks i said hi as an excuse to talk to _____. hahahahaha. so funny.
let's see. math today was bad. well, not really. left 20marks worth of qns half done or undone. well, wrote nonsense so hopefully i'll get marks somewhere. on the bright side, i supposedly can do 80marks worth of questions. wonderful.
lang arts was pretty good. essay was tough, but i think i'll do well. i think i might have strayed out of point though. broad statement to begin with. compre was just easy. august issue of the economist. haha. article on the newspaper. read it when sam was around, while driving to the expo fair thing. yeah. it was good. raghav read it 5 times before getting it. [:
hahaha. now _____ just implied i'm dumb, which is so not true. so much for reading in between the lines.
me: shall i leave you alone?
someone: fie fie! what, are you mad?
someone: err, sorry.
someone: hmm
someone: yes. i would prefer never to be disturbed ever again. hahaha. i live for myself and unto myself. i shall have no human contact with anyone for the rest of my life!
someone: -evil laughter-
someone: okay nvm.
someone: moment of madness
me: haha. that's oh so not common yeah?
someone: hey!
someone: what are you trying to imply?
someone: i refuse to talk to a narrow-minded cube like you!
someone: hmph
me: why am i a cube!!!
rahhhh. haha. whee. okay nvm. chinese! wo hui jiang wo yu. lydia claims her chinese isn't good. what rubbish! she watches dno how many ch8 serials. if her chinese is rubbish, mine's...unrecyclable material? lol.
12:15 AM
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Monday, October 02, 2006
mooncakes
the aunts came over yday to make mooncakes. yay. there's a nice box of pandan mooncakes for me to snack on while i study.
lang arts is pretty alright. it's math i'm worried about. no, i know i'll be fine. i'll be fine. i'll be fine.
haha. chasing cars is playing over and over again. i'm addicted to emo songs i tell you.
emo conversations!
me: hello dear emo girl.goodnight.
someone: why am i a dear emo girl?
me: err. no idea. [:
me: cos you are.
someone: you're so random
me: don't argue. :P
rahhh. <3
i think love is addictive. or if i can call it love. -shrugs. i feel high and bouncy now. mhmm. i feel like a repressed social reject who has no friends at times. haha. strangeness. i don't know. i think it's more cos i don't wanna talk to ppl. or rather i only want to talk to certain ppl. that doesn't make sense.
hmmm. i'm bored. so here's a things to do list after the exams.
1) go out with ________
2) go out with other people (like bronson, who owes me a holiday and 2 cars and a toilet seat [: )
3) go running and get my fitness back
4) play tennis/volleyball/badminton/swim (just not tennis with crazy candy eating cows...)
5) learn to cook. i need to err, pamper my wife next time. hahahahaha. okay nvm. [: i mean it! not cook instant mee, but more like err, nice stuff? baked rice and whatnot. darryl!!! i don't care, he's gna teach me. he'd better. i have weird cell members.
6) meet up with close friends for dinner
7) sec3'05 exlcell gathering!!! mustmustmust have.
8) adopt more ppl, i shall adopt the little kids. like chet, eugene, gab, etc... maybe benedict too. [:
9) refine/pick up guit/bass or whatever other instrument
10) get married
11) have kids
okay, the last two... don't take me seriously. i'm kidding.
i think i'm high. but you knew that alr. but i don't get why. nth's happened.
bio today was easyyyy. if i don't get my A i'll become a mormon. rahhh. i think i lost 6 marks on antibiotics. stupid part, i went to study food, not medical biotech. but i still managed to crap some stuff out. kenneth said it's right, so that's good. logic prevails.
10:37 PM
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meeting with god
and god kept his word. the meeting at 12...
i stumbled upon my old passion journals. i opened it to enter into my past - full of faith and trust, and my scribblings in service with chloe. it's those moments you want to take in a deep breath and soak in the feeling.
the answers just appear before me. answers to the questions i've asked today. answers to the questions of discipleship. answers to the questions of love. (i have true love waits sermon notes from...sec2 i think)
and i did love so uninhibitedly back then.
i loved;
- because you were always there to just smile and ask if i was okay
- because you asked before you squirted water over my head (and i said yes)
- because the straws didn't matter; the hugs did
- because you never let me be
- because we really cared about each other
- because we lived in that fairytale of castles in the sky
rahhh. i don't know. i think i know not how to love. i fear i know not what love is, nor how to give it.
yet...i'm sure, and i know, that i love you. [:
(there are many you's in this post. they may not be the same person. they may not be female. they may be referring to a higher being. happy figuring!)
12:11 AM
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Sunday, October 01, 2006
should i stay
blardy emo song. i swear i had it bef that jonathan sang it! so yes. but somehow it resurfaced and brought new meaning.
should i stay
by dreamz fm
Had a drive
Driven by your love
But when you messed around
I lost the drive I found
Thought you needed
Needed someone true
But you changed your mind
Or had I failed you?
Wish you’d been
Careful with my heart
But you tore it apart
And broke an angel’s heart
The kiss was true
Has to end somehow
But I am livin’ proof of what love is about
It’s hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It’s sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don’t know (I don’t know)
I gotta know
Should I stay or should I go?
You played me on
Played me like a clown
But I feel for you
Eventhough I’m down
My heart is heavy
Heavy like a rock
But I am so amused
You’re still in my thoughts
It’s hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It’s sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don’t know (I don’t know)
I gotta know
Should I stay or should I go?
Oooohh…should I stay?
Should I go?
It’s hard holding you
Loving you, losing you
It’s sad to be true
And be fooled by you
I don’t know (I don’t know)
I wanna know
Should I stay or should I…?
This time its done
It’ll never feel the same
But we had some good times
Guess it’s sad just the same
I guess the truth
Doesn’t matter somehow
But you were livin’ proof of what love is about…
yes i'm emo now. sighhh.
12:50 AM
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decisions
abel came to service today. thank god for that. i think the word spoke to him, really. cried alot today. partially cos of the word, partially cos i think i'm emo. haha. kidding. i just could feel the struggles of the backslidden christians. i can sense things rather easily, and i told jeann sth was up when service started.
so basically i cried alot cos i felt their fears and guilt abt returning to god. strange huh. ah well. being in prayer and being prophetic's a lethal combination.
fuel was good. see, doing hw and finding out where andrew is found in the bible pays off. [:
bought munchkin stars. played with the younger kiddies. i won again, unsurprisingly. rahh. i think i will do a self imosed ban on myself.
"happy childrens' day all you muggertoads" hahahaha. stupid beale keeps signing in and out. i haven't studied much across the weekend. just alot of math. heh.
bio on monday!! bio's a must score A or die paper.
i tell you the ppl in my sch are such blardy optimists it scares me. 10 days to the end of promos isn't the usual thing you find on msn nicks. it's supposed to be like ahhh die 1 more day to promos! dang. either they're really optimistic in life, or they're damn well prepared and are going to score well.
no, i can do it. i can beat them. i'm naturally smart.
should i go for lce tmr? rahhh. ppl getting commissioned, but i have exams on monday! and ppl are coming over to make mooncakes! arrgh.
decisions decisions. i need to find my spinometer and it will point the way to go...
12:09 AM
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